Kultsi jokes

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kultsi jokes are jokes that my telepathical girl friend has told me.  I have known Kultsi since 1997 when

I was 23 possibly already when I was 20. Our first meeting was funny. I read a sex scene in the book of Wilbur Smith when I saw a vision of a young woman or a girl with black hair. We played the scene together.  That is our relationship started with sex. This is a bit strange because I am Christian and believe firmly that sex is restricted to people who are married. I promised Kultsi  2004 that when I get my own appartment I buy an engagement ring. I got one March 2004 . Our engagement happened 30.4.2004 that is the eve of  May Day. This is a bit funny because first it happened 29.4.2004 but I forgot to ask Kultsi if she wants to be engaged to me. She said no, but the next day that is 30.4 she agreed. It is not only positive things that I have to tell about Kultsi, sometimes I feel that she is a little kid and I am afraid that she might seduce me to be a pedophile. This is why I broke our engagement 6.11.2005 when I felt that a psychosis is coming (I suffer from renewing prsychosis). On the other hand it might be that Kultsi is just a child-like as Christians should be. However this does not explain all the evil tricks of Kultsi. After our engagement broke Kultsi gave me a letter which was written on pink paper and said ”Engagement broke, I love you forever.”  Suffice it to say that when I fell in pornography (about 1998) and were distressed Kultsi comforted me by showing me beautiful underwear pictures of herself. Then she was about 20. It feels like Kultsi would become younger and younger by time.

 

I see Kultsi as a vision and first thought that she would be in heaven, nowadays I suspect that she is just in a different world.

 

2.10.2004 Kultsi reminded me of an old joke in which I threw her teddybear out of the window and she came in through the door with a chainsaw.

13.10.2004  Kultsi’s ”Don’t be sad.” joke. Kultsi comforted me many times when I was sad by saying when I was down ”Don’t be sad.” Then time passed and I was not at all sad but was reading. Kultsi came and said “Don’t be sad.”  (She was just saying don’t be sad.)

 

Kultsi said with you, Leonard Cohen has a song Wanna go with you thath is my favourite.

 

 27.10.2004 Kultsi was a prostitute and said to me beg.

 3.11.2004 I fell into sexual chatting with Kultsi. Then Kultsi came to me eating an apple, I heard some voice behind her, as if someone was coming. Kultsi gave me the rest of the apple and vanished (compare Adam and Eve).

26.10.2005 Kultsi’s don’t be sad joke has a continuation: Kultsi said ”Don’t be sad, don’t be sad, don’t be sad…” Obviously Kultsi was using a tape recorder.

 

30.10.2005 Kultsi reminded me about an old joke: I was watching Charmed that had an attractive witch Paige. I had a crush on her. When I was taking a shower little later Kultsi came in (a vision) and made a gesture as casting a spell on me. My  penis changed to a broccoli, the flower side outwards.

 

Kultsi was angry at God (I got angry at God about 1998 because I was afraid that I would become bald, I was so angry that I practised Satanism) and made a pentagram on the ground and asked for Satan in the dark. Satan came and Kultsi asked him celebrity. I laughed, can anyone have a more useless petition. Later Kultsi added and penis. (Kultsi’s favourite proverb is penis is good.)

1.11.2005 Kultsi read (it is impossible to tell how exactly) menu: honey… and grasshoppers (this is the diet of John the Baptist according to the bible). She was not crumbling about bad food, like a child, not happy or sad, as if she was wondering but not, emphasizing.

7.11.2005 If on Easter one eats lamb and ham on Christmas, one should eat honey and grasshoppers on Midsummer day (at least in Finland it is also the day of  John the Baptist). It would be nice to have a Christian restaurant and give Ezekiel’s porridge diet (In the beginning of Ezekiel it is told how he lived a year eating 4 grain porridge with beans and lentils and did not get even scurvy. In addition God told Ezekiel exactly how much to eat and drink, in short scarcely. This is a good tip for famine.)

2.2.2006   I had a bad conscience because I did not find out if people suffering a famine were helped good enough, and I did not attend charity.  I felt the touch of  grace when Kultsi handed me a plate of food. I rememberd when Kultsi came to my table with fork and knife in her fists like an African.

28.2.2006 In Conan the Barbarian (book) Conan sits in front of a prinsessa. Kultsi came to me like Conan with a crested helmet that she put on her right hand side. This is funny because Kultsi has

a big belly. I remembered an old Conan joke in which Kultsi with a big belly attacks a dragon, then she comes and turns the camera off and vanishes.

 

I understood that I would pay just anything for only being with Kultsi: quit sex, cross, being paralysed, just anything.

30.2.2006 Kultsi reminded me of an old joke but I forgot it.

11.4.2006 I studied bible where Ezekiel redeems Israel and Judah from its sins by fasting and lying on his side for an abundant  year (Ezekiel’s porridge diet ). Kultsi came to me with a bible and I asked her ”Do you study the bible too?” A porn picture dropped down from her bible. (Old Kultsi joke revisited.)

 

Kultsi’s joke about The Parable of the Lost Son: I was waiting Kultsi to appear behind a hill worrying like a father, love burned my chest. Finally Kultsi came and hugged me and went to eat her stomache full and rested after the meal. Her belly was big again. It was funny that Kultsi did not say that “I am not worthy to be called your son anymore.”  But with full confidence about the love of her father she goes to eat. Kultsi thinks that the behaviour of the father is granted., home is a place where one eats, and Kultsi does not necessary love father back, she takes the love of the father as granted.

 

7.5.2006 I looked at the table where there was an engagement ring, the ring of the broken engagement (see the Foreword to Kultsi jokes). I looked at Kultsi and she seemed to have the engagement ring in her finger. I wondered a bit because the hand seemed to be a hand of a man. Kultsi took off and artificial hand (hahha).

11.5.2006 I have many times said to Kultsi how nice it would be to wake from the death to her voice. I heard Kultsi to say “Wake!” after which I heard ”kops” and ”autch”. (If you did not understand it I hit my head to the coffin.)

25.5.2006 I remembered an old Kultsi joke from a song of Paul McCartney:  I was just quitted the army and was in Vienna on a business trip. I was walking on the street when a beautiful young woman walked to the opposite direction pass me. Kultsi peeked out of my trousers being very small and saluted like in the army.

 

Also in the army I regretted my sexual immorality when Kultsi appeared in front of me with a pipe and dropped its ashes on my Lärki. (My name is Kärki and the name of my penis is Lärki.)

27.6.2006 Kultsi said ”Laughs at your stories”. I said ”Your name?” Kultsi said ”Yours.” Kultsi had the habit of playing indian games.

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16.7.2006 Kultsi told a joke that in heaven we can watch 1000000. production season of Buffy the vampire slayer (tv series).  In addition if our difference of ages is 20 years it is not very much for million years old. In addition in heaven there can be movies that are restricted to people over 1000000 years.

18.7.2006 Then a serious matter: according to Christianity the last judgment is as follows: Father is the judge, Satan is accuser and Jesus advocate. The Satan begins and says the truth “Deserves Hell.” Jesus shows the scars in his hands and says : “I have paid the full price.” Father says “We spare him.”

 

Kultsi told the judgment day joke: First she scarcely reaches (like a child) on the table of the judge and offers two euros for her soul. Then she offers scant two euros and licks a lollipop. In the end she reaches again on the table and offers the scant 2 euros and the lollipop.

4.8.2006 A classic Kultsi joke: We are on a space cruising and we go to the bar where there are all kinds of aliens as in the Star Wars movies. In a corner there is a couple that looks like an octopus. Then we go to our room where there is one wall that is a window to space. We rest on the bed, me and Kultsi when there was a voice from the neighbour as if an octopus would loose its grip with the noice “Smuck”.

22.8.2006 I remembered an old Turkish pepper candy joke: Kultsi was angry at my sister Laura because she had not warned about a danger of death, I cannot explain better than this here.  I saw Kultsi with her  cheeks full of Turkish pepper candies beside Laura, the candy bag in her hand, looking like a child. This is funny because Turkish pepper candies are hot after sucking them a while, it has some powder inside it.

(Kultsi reconciled with Laura for only few candies, hah hah.)

27.8.2006 Kultsi told two Buffy the vampire slayer (tv series)jokes:

1.      Kultsi had an artificial penis in her hand (dildo) (Buffy kills vampires with a wooden stick that is sharpened from one end.)

2.      Kultsi stumbled in her feet and fell on the stick and turned into ashes (like Buffy kills vampires that turn into ashes). Kultsi told she got the idea from old black and white mute comedies.

30.8.2006 I remembered an old Kultis joke: My hair had grown long, it was a hedgehog originally. Kultsi said to me “I ain’t no bird.”

2.9.2006  Kultsi’s Christmas play on the Christmas 2001:  First a small penis jumps like in the quickest penis sack jumping (see early Kultsi jokes 11) in a winter landscape. Then it jumps over a frozen river that has little snow on it and the hair leaves funny marks on the icy river. Then the picture changes and a man size huge woman’s genital is God that reminds me of a Hazel peanut that has a coat. It is behind a table and a long row of penises jumps around the judge’s table to heaven that has the door open on the left hand side of  judge’s table from the point of view of the penises. Then there are two possible endings: In the other the lonely penis that kept jumping over the river comes a little late, stumbles and rolls few times and hits the ground and grins.  In the other the door to heaven is almost closed and there spreads light into the pitch dark night and the lonely penis jumps calmly towards the door, but then the door closes even more and the penis is in danger to be left out. It cries like a little child, tears falling from eyes, but then the door opens a bit more and the last penis jumps into heaven.

 

Then Kultsi joked that the huge woman genital got an Oscar statue in the Oscar gala, it had a suit on it. Then Kultsi joked that she got too an Oscar statue. When Kultsi took the statue behind a table there was penises on the table one of which joked by hanging himself  by jumping off the table with a string around his neck. 

 

                 

17.9.2006 I ate my stomach full of fruit sallad. Kultsi joked eating a giant pear and her stomach was full like a pear inside her. Kultsi got the idea from Jättis (big ice cream) commercial that had a tree sized huge pear and a tree that was bent down and attached to the pear. Then the trunk of the tree stretched up and the pear was separated from the tree. It was said that the harvest time had finally arrived.

17.9.2006 Few days ago Kultsi forted. I said to Kultsi that I like to smell my own forts too. Kultsi took my comment on a tape recorder and played it.

2.10.2006 I saw in a nature document that the whales have 3 meters long penis and its testicles can have 40 litres sperm. I recommended Kultsi a whale for a boy friend. Kultsi was not angry but told an old Jumbo joke with a penis of a whale. (In Jumbo joke Kultsi has a huge penis that rises up in erection, often she has also a skirt.) Then Kultsi splashed a sperm bucket on her face, she told me that she got the idea from old black and white and mute comedies where one splashes a cake on some ones face.

15.3.2007 In revelation it is told that in heaven there is the tree of life in the midst of the rivers of living water, on the main street of heaven. Kultsi joked that she let her dog pee on the tree. Then she joked that she cut it to the river with a chainsaw. 

23.3.2007 ”Brains” said Kultis to me. I was flattered until I understood that penis or should I say balls is on a different level on Kultsi’s ranking.

26.3.2007 Kultsi’s Bong joke: I suggested to Kultsi that we do not have sex before my death and happy reunion in heaven. Kultsi stood beside a radiator and  banged her genitals against it with a bong voice. Also another version where she first walks sideways to the wall and then up the wall  and finally on the roof.

Kultsi’s pim joke: her playing of the piano is restricted to pressing one tune in the middle of the keyboard many times.

27.3.2007 Kultsi’s werewolf joke: Kultsi rests beside me on a bed and turns into a werewolf. Instead of eating me she turns on her back like a dog that wants to be scratched.

4.4.2007 Larva joke: In Fear Factor tv programme the competitors need to eat larvas and spit it out in a drink. Finally they had to drink the larva drink. Kultsi joked that she drinked the larva drink as it would be the best drinks of the world.

 

 

Miscellaneous Kultsi jokes.

1.      Kultsi dreamed about sex on God’s throne.

2.      Sweetest memory of Kultsi was when I got terrible stomache pains and I had to go to the toilet on the railway station altough it was only 500m to my  home. I was sitting on the john and felt bad and had diarrhea. Kultsi showed up and took my hand in her hands as little children do. I ssay to Kultsi “princess” and kiss her hand when she is in the toilet.

3.      In kikki-joke we, Kultsi and me, rest naked on the bed and have in the hair of our genitals two little bows each.

4.      Kultsi has the habit to tell a loan word or some word that she has invented like tsuffari. When I ask Kultsi what does it mean she bends over and refuses to tell unless she gets sex. That is foreplay a la Kultsi.

5.      When I was small my Godmother had a dog, Eppu, that is nowadays dead. In the bible it is told (Isaiah) that in the heaven no-one hurts no-one any more but the lion eats grass and the snake eats the dust of the earth. I saw Eppu with cheeks stuffed, then it opened its mouth and spit out a bird so that its feathers spewed.

6.      Me and Kultsi have dreamed about the heaven and one of our favorites is a beach on a deserted island. Often Kultsi lets the breeze tickle her bottom. Then on the beach there is a whole roasted pig. Kultsi joked that it is the night and dark and she had a piece of meat in her mouth. Then she is shocked when she understands that she is not in the heaven. There is no night in the heaven but the face of Jeesus is the lamp. In addition it is told in the Revelation that there is no sea anymore, and as was told before no-one hurts even a pig.

7.      In a bed in the mental hospital there was one screw loose. I thought it was a nail and would have hit it with a hammer but the nurse gave me a screwdriver. Then I saw Kultsi (vision) under a car and I heard strong hammering against metal. Kultsi was obviously fastening a bolt with hammer, not with the appropriate tool.

8.      My stomache was aching and I said to kultsi bibi (bibi means a small wound on a child in Finnish). Kultsi put her hand on her bulging stomache and said Bobo.

9.      Kultsi joked he would eat a Viagra and she turns into a monkey that scratches her head.

10.   Two to the power of joy: I am happy, Kultsi notices it and is twice as happy. I notice that Kultsi is happy and I am twice as happy that is 4 times happier than I was in the begining and so on…

11.  I saw a dream, that I had a tiger as a pet. I loved it like a little child, fervently. Kultsi came beside me on the bed in a tiger fur and wanted that she would be loved. Usually Kultsi wants only sex. .

12.  Kultsi’s  Star Trek joke: We are beside a map table over which there is the solar system three dimensionally. Kultsi turns a switch and the map disappears. I stretch over the table to kiss Kultsi and Kultsi turns the switch on again and I get an electric shock.

13.   This joke cannot be translated. Me and You that is We is the commitment of me and Kultsi, we are at least friends if not husband and wife in the next world.

14.  When I was in the mental hospital Kultsi showed up as a vision and said from 4 to 4 meaning her visiting time. When I was in a mental hospital in Denmark Kultsi sang a Finnish gospel On God’s hand unbelieavably beautifully.

15.  Kultsi has the habit to fort in an other dimension by pushing her bottom against a chair.

16.  It fell on me the whole responsibility  of the world the other day  (I am not crazy), Kultsi joked that she was a little child  and the earth was on her lap and she happened to drop it. There were screams and fires in the globe.

       

 

 

Early Kultsi jokes:

      1. "Your cunt is delicious" said Kultsi and stared at my genitals.(Kultsi’s favourite proverb is penis is good.)

      2. Kultsi sends jokes to my little fellow. Once I heard pipiip there like a text message in the cell phone and Lärki laughed (My name is Topi Kärki). Therefore Kultsi tells jokes to Lärki too. Later Kultsi told the joke to me too: Kultsi walks in a cunt and greets the camera. Then a penis sweeps and in the end she is upside down and  a bit sideways on the rear end wall.

      3. Kultsi’s sauce joke: Kultsi put sauce on testicles. Later she showed up stains on her face like a little child. Also egg butter joke, putting ketchup and moustard on it and ice cream is good joke (Kultsi’s favourite proverb is penis is good).

      Kultsi was also painting a penis and then she put a cluster of grapes on it and picked up one.

      4.  I invented nick names for Kultsi which cannot be translated except Batsi (the wife of David was Bathsheba). Kultsi said naughty, I asked what do you mean, she pointed at her genitals.

      5. Kultsi invented nick names for me which cannot be translated except that she has a Gen puppet, compare Ken the athletic husband of Barbie. Gen is bald and fat. (Gen like Genius.)

      6. Kultsi’s Lärki talks too. Once in the evening Kultsi was sitting on a bed and I could hear a clock alarm from her genitals. Then like someone was playing stereos in her cunt especially the 80’s disco song I love the night life that is my favourite. Then I could hear someone crying from her cut: topi, Topi, TOPI! I said what, I could hear ”Lärki!” from there (not me but Lärki).

 

I think it was so good joke that I asked Kultsi to repeat it. Very quickly I could here the alarm of a clock, I could here the night life and “Lärki”

 

     

      7. I asked Kultsi to join me for a trip. In the end of the trip I could see Kultsi in a straw hat  and sun glasses and her beautiful round hands. I felt like eating her.

      8. Kultsi’s mute joke, Kultsi put the telepathic connection to mute state. All I could here was fu…you           

      9. Cannot be translated.

10.    Kultsi’s cunt wanted to be called Daphne.

11. Kultsi has in heaven Kuk World (kuk is dick in Swedish) where everything that can be associated with penis is penis. She arranges turist trips there for women. My dead friend Mauri (a man) visited there also.      Kultsi showed an industrial hall to japanese turists and shows them an express train that looks like a penis. Then she looked through a skylight window and let the breeze blow on her hair and drove it. Also Vikkelin Kikkeli (quickest penis in english) named sack jumping is one of Kultsi’s best Kuk World jokes.

      12. Kultsi’s cunt wants to be called Ilona. Also Pami but as I laughed for such a funny name she said no-o and canceled it.

      13. Today 4.6.2002 Kultsi told a gas joke that was a fort. Then she told me what happened with Kuk mass production (Kuk is a penis puppet), I had produced gospel envelopes. She sold them in a stalt and my sister Laura bought one.

      14. 7.6.2002 Kultsi was with me (in a vision) playing football, I was in the goal. Kultsi kicked like virtuoso the ball via the upper slab into the goal. I felt like kissing her and she ran away.

      15. Kultsi’s cunt wants to be called Johanna..

      16. I wrote a story about a guy that sells his soul for the world’s best blues song, it was Jailhouse blues.

      Kultsi did even better and played in heaven No sex blues (Jesus has told that people do not marry in heaven anymore) She had put a penis heater, that she had woven, on a wine bottle and slept on a street of heaven. 

      17. Kultsi has also the hit and the theme music joke. Hit is one fort blam where as the theme music is blam-blam-blam.

      Kultsi has also the habit to fort to another dimension by pushing her bottom on the chair.

      18. Kultsi’s thread joke: Kultsi showed up only a thread on her hip. Also the sock version when she has only socks on her.

      19. Kultsi’s sea monster joke, she put two pods in her nostrils.

      20. 13.6. 2002 I saw first the night sky and the stars and then Kultsi’s face on it. It occurred to me that as beautiful as the theories of Physic are they are nothing compared to Kultsi.

I also remembered Apulanta’s song  Ilona in which the woman dies and the man is left to cry and he sees her face on the night sky.

      21. Kultsi has fallen in porn again. She came to me and told me that my Lärki is only a prince wiener(a small wiener in Finland).

      22. Once I visited KRS (a congregation) there were many beautiful young women. Kultsi showed up also (as a vision) and played piano. Then she moved away from the piano and waved her note book. To Kultsi’s embarracement she could not tolerate her own fort.

      It happened to Kultsi even more weirdly  the other day: She forted on her bed and then she waved her pillow at the fort and finally threw the pillow at the fort cloud with the consequence that it (the pillow) flies back on her head.

      23. Kultsi has joined the heaven’s ONA (Order of Nine Angles, a satanistic organization) and works for the devil. She has modernized the form to modern “Sell Your Sole!”

      24. Cannot be translated.

      25. And Daphne said Kultsi (Daphne is  a name of her cunt).

      26. Kultsi’s cunt wants to be called Pami.

      27. I forted, Kultsi said ”Jag avskyr dig.” That is swedish and means I despise you and at dig Kultsi forted like her trousers had ripped apart. (I was in Sweden at the time.)

      28. I complained that teenage girls throw there underwear only to rock stars, not to scientists. Kultsi enjoyed with all her heart a concert in heaven by  swinging her underwear and jumping like on a trampoline.

      29. Kultsi drove a truck and had behind her neck a hairy fat bottom. Then she drove into a pit.

      30. Finally the first Kultsi joke: Kultsi licked a lollypop and it stuck to my hair at my genitals. Kultsi went to the toilet and washed her lollipop..